The video above, for a song called “I’m Not Okay” by Temika Moore, played a very important part in the time immediately after my marriage fell apart. What I didn’t want to admit, was that I needed to grieve; to let go of the feelings of loss. But all I wanted to do was put on the brave face that I was doing just fine. And I may have succeeded, to a degree. But inside, during those first few months, I was just holding the pain in.
What the song told me, and my therapists reinforced, was that it was fine to not be fine. That it was okay to grieve. That I didn’t have to hide it. More importantly, it was going to take time for me to get over the loss. With that knowledge, I knew that things were going to get better, just not right away.
What the grieving also did, was take away the urge to write much on my former blog. Day after day would go by, and I just couldn’t find a voice to say anything that I deemed worthy. It wasn’t that I couldn’t write at all-my therapists suggested, and I agreed to start a journal to put down how I was feeling and what I was going through. But while I focused on my emotions and feelings, there was nothing I wanted to put forward in public.
With this new blog, I feel free to write again, publicly. It started slowly, with small posts at Facebook about The Voice (which I’ve turned a couple into posts here). Then I started this blog, which will hopefully become the space I hoped the old former blogs were supposed to be. But more importantly, I’m not grieving and struggling to write anymore. It was okay to not be okay back then, but now, I can truly say I’m doing fine.